Regret's Firstborn
by Onileo
Summary: On most days, she drank to forget. But on the days she allowed herself to remember, she was reminded of the reasons she drank.


Regret's Firstborn

Every single day, she drank to forget.

It wasn't that she liked the taste of alcohol, which wasn't half bad, really, or the loose, warm feeling that followed it down her body. It was because it was the only thing she found that drowned out the memories that threatened to surface every time she walked down the street, or spoke to a member of Team Kakashi, or ran into Anko at the dango shop. Memories of a time she could gladly call happy now, though at the time they were just days in a life being lived. A life that was all but ruined because she lacked the foresight needed to save her team.

But she had backwards days once in a while, too, when she forgot to drink so she could remember. When it had tasted a little too good the night before, and she found her head pounding the next day. When her mouth grew dry from dehydration and her muscles ached and burned. The physical misery felt good; it dulled the images in her memory so she could relive them without the pain that made her want to clutch her heart and cry for mercy from whatever god had set the destiny of her life. On those days she clung to the parts of her soul untouched by the disenchantment of time, and allowed herself to be the woman who still smiled freely.

XXXXXX

She forgot to drink the day a genius returned from his first mission as team leader, empty handed…

_Orochimaru slipped in the door and down the hallway of her apartment, as silent as the snake he was named after. Tsunade never even lifted her head from the couch as she flipped another page of her book, bare toes wiggling a greeting at him as she rested her heels on the arm. She didn't expect a reply, and continued with the paragraph she was on as the door to her bathroom slid shut with barely an audible click. The water came on a moment later, and the low thrum of the hot water tank filled the quiet with steady noise._

_Not that she wasn't concerned. He only came to her like this when something was upsetting him so deeply that he couldn't keep it to himself. But she would never get an answer out of him if she pressed him. He would retreat so fast she wouldn't even be able to see the blur of his passing. So she bided her time, waiting for him to finish his shower and clear the hard travel from his skin. He emerged merely fifteen minutes later, dressed in her spare bathrobe. But instead of making his way to the couch to sit with her, he entered her bedroom and shut the door._

_This was serious._

_There had been only one other time that she had known him to sleep somewhere other than his own home when he wasn't on a mission. And that was only because he and Jiraiya had been to her house for lunch when it started storming. The rain had fallen in a heavy downpour the entire day, and didn't let up until just before dawn the next morning. Instead of having the inconvenience of getting soaked and possibly struck by the heavy lightning streaking across the sky, she insisted they stay with her until it let up enough to safely travel across the village to their homes. Jiraiya had been pleased, of course, and they all slept on the living room floor as if they were on a mission and camping in the woods._

_Forgetting her book immediately, she righted herself on the couch, sending it clattering to the floor. She stared at the wood of her bedroom door, fighting with the decision of going in there alone with him, or waiting for him to reappear. There was no way she was getting Jiraiya involved. He would find some way to screw up the situation beyond salvation. Not that it would ever happen, but if their team were to part ways, it would be because of that idiot._

_Settling on the first option, she stood. _

_He was sitting on the stool in front of her dresser, staring at himself in the mirror. His pale face was the same stoic mask she had always seen, his hair in perfect order as it hung below his shoulders. His amber eyes met hers through the glass and she couldn't help the little stab of jealousy that told her he looked more beautiful sitting there than she ever did. Ignoring the thought, she moved to lounge on her bed, positioning herself so she could still see his face. Several minutes ticked by as he watched her, and just as she felt her eyes start to droop, he spoke._

"_Tsunade."_

"_Hmm?"_

_Then he was there in front of her, never making a single sound as he moved, and so fast that had he been an attacker, she would have been dead before she realized what had happened. But as sudden as it was, she never jumped, or widened her eyes in surprise. She was more than used to his speed and silence. She never even flinched when his hand closed in on her bosom. He had been the one she chose to divest her of her virginity when they were fifteen, and while he had been far from dispassionate, there had been a distance there that had left their friendship completely intact afterward. With precise fingers, he traced the crystal of her grandfather's necklace._

"_Do you miss them?" he asked, his voice its usual timbre of clinical indifference, though if he were asking her that, he was anything but._

_A stab of pain hit her heart and she felt her lower lip tremble uncontrollably. It had been nearly two months since they buried Dan, and she could still see the blood coating both their clothes, hear her own reassuring lies as she fought to save him. And her brother… nothing would repair the hole left in her heart there._

"_Yes." she whispered, her voice suddenly shaky._

_His pale hands cupped her face, his eyes mirroring her own hurt as he looked away from her. He knew her pain, having lost both of his parents at the same time when he was very young. They were the only family he had, and he had suffered greatly because of their demise. _

_Then he was pulling her against his chest, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. She allowed him to comfort her, even though he had been the one to come to her for solace. He curled around her as they lay down to sleep, and she buried her head against his neck. His fingers tangled in the long strands of blonde hair that fell across them. She closed her eyes, listening to his breathing as the tenseness began to leave him._

"_I'm starting a new research project tomorrow. When it's finished you won't have to worry about this pain anymore." he suddenly said, and though his attitude hadn't changed at all, she knew he had finally revealed what had been bothering him._

_She stared up at him, her startled eyes drawing a rare smile from him. "What kind of research could do that?"_

"_Trust me."_

_She accepted his words without further question, and they fell asleep huddled in each other's arms like scared children in the dark. Just before she drifted off, she heard the whispered plea that was forgotten before the sun dawned, but would sear itself into her soul years later._

"…_Just don't hate me."_

XXXXXX

She forgot to drink the day a hurting young girl found the courage to be a woman…

_The wet pavement reflected the multitude of garish lights that blinked and dazzled from overhead as Tsunade followed Jiraiya and Orochimaru through the village they would stay in during their three days of ordered recuperation. Surrounded by the rainbow illumination, she forgot where she was going and bumped into Jiraiya, who had stopped just ahead of her, and was staring at the sky._

"_Would you look at that…" he said in awe._

_Following his gaze, she saw what had caught his attention immediately. "You can't even see the stars."_

_A low cough caught both of their attention, and they swiftly stepped aside to let the man behind them pass. It was then that they noticed the absence of their teammate._

"_He must have gone to the inn already."_

_Jiraiya grinned widely. "Yeah. And now that he's not here to rat on me, I'm going to find some real entertainment. Later, Tealeaves!"_

_Scowling at the nickname, Tsunade gave chase with a shout. She was going to make him pay for that, with interest. The last time he said her chest was as flat as two dried tea leaves, she had sent him home from training with a black eye. This time, he wouldn't be able to see his way back to the inn. Besides, she had grown into her body, and had a more than ample set of breasts now. He just teased her to piss her off._

_She caught sight of his white hair disappearing around a corner, and picked up speed. But in her haste, she hadn't caught sight of the fortunetelling booth just before the corner, and as she reached it, plowed headlong into the display of crystal charm necklaces. The beaded jewelry scattered everywhere, light bouncing off the faceted surfaces before stilling in a chaotic array._

_With a curse she stopped, bowing to the woman in a midnight blue kimono with too much make-up on._

"_I'm so sorry."_

_She started to take off again, when the woman's voice halted her escape._

"_Well, pick them up."_

_Grumbling under her breath because by now she had lost Jiraiya for sure, Tsunade stooped to retrieve the necklaces. Arranging them back on the display in the exact order, she lifted her head to find an amused smile on the fortuneteller's painted lips. She was holding a set of red cards, fanned out, the backs to Tsunade._

"_Pick one."_

_She scoffed. "I don't believe in that crap."_

"_It's just for fun, then. If you really don't believe it, then there's no harm, is there?"_

_Not liking the smile still on her face, Tsunade reached out and grabbed the first card her fingers landed on. Laying it face up on the table, she waited for the woman to say something. When her face fell, Tsunade looked down to see that she had put the card in front of her upside down. She went to flip it around, only to have the fortuneteller grab her wrist._

"_Don't touch it. Once the card has been cast, it cannot be moved until it has been read."_

_Pulling her hand back as she glared at the woman, Tsunade stared down at the picture facing her. It was a two-headed golden dragon with a black orb in one claw and a white orb in another. The corners of the card nearest her were decorated with coins, while the ones facing the fortuneteller held skulls._

"_Okay, so what does it mean?"_

"_You have chosen the luck card. Normally, it predicts good fortune, and reward for effort. Since it was cast in the reverse position, I can only give you an ill omen. Your goals will remain out of reach, and only after paying a heavy price will you achieve them. When it seems as if things are going right, your luck will change and you will lose something special."_

"_Really?"_

"_That's what the card says."_

"_Well, it's bullshit. I think you're just mad because I knocked into your stand."_

"_Think as you like. Have a good night." The fortuneteller said as she waved her away. She had an almost sad look on her face as she picked up the card and shuffled it back into the deck. _

_Ignoring it, Tsunade headed back down the street in search of her wayward teammate so she could pound some sense into him. She wandered for several hours, looking in one place than another, chasing after every flash of white she saw, only to be disappointed. She gave up when her anger ran out, promising herself to deal with it in the morning, when they were all back at the inn and his guard would be down._

_Looking for someplace to get a drink and sit down for a few minutes, she spied a building that had shiny glass doors, through which she could see a few patrons sitting in front of rows of gambling machines. There was a drink bar to the right with a few empty tables, so she stepped inside. No one seemed to notice her, and the few people who did said nothing about her young age. So she stepped boldly up to the counter and bought a bottle of water._

_Glancing at the tables, she turned toward the machines. The seats were too close to the doors, and she felt way too exposed sitting there. So she moved to the back and sat down where she could keep an eye on the entire parlor. Still she was ignored by the other patrons in favor of the colorful machines that flashed and made exciting noises whenever they dropped their jackpots. Curious, she studied the one in front of her for several minutes before digging around in her pocket for the change from her water._

_It looked like it could be fun. Besides, she could silently prove to that witch that her fortunes were bogus. Tipping the coin into the slot, she watched a red light come on, letting her know she could pull the handle. She did, and a gear inside came to life, spinning the three pictures in front of her. Two cherries slowed to a stop, followed by a lemon. Five coins emptied into the basin at her knees as a small noise of congratulations rang in her ears. She scooped them up, a grin spreading on her face._

_This _was_ fun…_

XXXXXX

She forgot to drink the day the most exuberant boy she'd ever known set his sights on a mountain of possibilities…

"_The Tale of the Gutsy Shinobi? What a title." Tsunade scoffed as she downed a cup of sake._

"_Hey, it's perfect. Did you even read it?" Jiraiya asked, a frown on his face as he followed suit with his own cup._

"_I think _you've_ been reading too many bedtime stories to your Rain brats." she said with a laugh, not bothering to cover up the bitter note in it._

_Orochimaru said nothing as he poured them another round before draining his own and refilling it. Tsunade found it quite unusual that he was drinking at all, since he claimed to not have the stomach for it. Leaning back against her cushion, she stretched her bare legs out in front of her, crossing them at the ankles. Both men watched her intently, one as impassive as ever, the other with a gleam in his eye that she had been seeing more often whenever he was around her._

"_Anyway, this is just the start. I have an idea for a story that will blow everyone away."_

"_Hmph. I can't wait to hear this."_

_Jiraiya drank his sake, one eye roaming her face. He was silent for a long moment, then burst out laughing. "I don't think so. Wouldn't want you to steal it from me." He ducked the empty cup she threw at him, and gave her a lecherous grin before he turned to their stoic teammate. "So, Orochimaru, how's your secret research coming?"_

_Tsunade watched as he emptied his cup again and set it down with a barely audible thunk. But it was so unusual for him to make any noise at all that he might as well have smashed it through the table. Refilling it, he slid it to her, to replace the one she had thrown._

"_Fine." he answered._

"_Still not going to let us in on what it is? We can't fight together if you pull out a new jutsu all of a sudden and we have no idea what it even does."_

"_No."_

_Jiraiya let it go with a shrug. He learned a long time ago that pressing his teammate for answers only ended with a fight. A week after their team was formed, he had asked about Orochimaru's parents. When he refused to answer, he had pestered him until Orochimaru suddenly struck out, blacking his eye and landing him on his ass. He was a little more tactful after that incident, if not by much._

_Several hours passed. Sake bottles now littered the table, and all three cups sat half full in front of their owners. Tsunade tried to see the others, but she had slipped down so far that the cushion was the only thing keeping her head off the floor. She could make out the white mountain of spikes that was Jiraiya's hair on the horizon as he lay with his head on the table. With her vision blurry the way it was, it suddenly looked like a fuzzy white porcupine. She started giggling softly._

_Orochimaru appeared in her line of sight as he stood a moment later. He made his way over to her, apparently no worse for the alcohol, and knelt beside her. His hair fell in a cascade, and she stared at it before meeting his gaze._

"_It's not fair that your hair is prettier than mine." she pouted._

"_I'm going home." he said, planting a kiss on her forehead, "You shouldn't drink so much, Tsunade."_

_He was gone before she could protest. She struggled to sit up, but couldn't make it. As her head hit the cushion again, a loud crash sounded. Jiraiya had rolled off the table, hit the floor, and was slowly crawling his way to her side. She watched his hair bob and sway as he approached, and started giggling again. When he finally made it over to her, he leaned up on one elbow and stared down at her, a frown on his face._

"_What?" she asked testily._

"_I jus' don't get it…" he slurred._

"_Get it…get it… get what?" she asked in confusion._

"_How you could sleep with a guy like that…"_

_Tsunade's eyes widened. How had he known?_

"_Yeaahh," he drawled out, "It wasn't hard to figure…figure out…" he hiccupped in her face. "It jus' pisses me off…"_

_She blinked owlishly at him. "Why?"_

_He laughed, like he knew some joke she was unaware of. "Because… I'm the one who…" he started swaying on his elbow, as if his body had reached its limit at last and he was about to either lose consciousness or kiss her, "the one who…loves you." The last came out a near whisper, and she had to think hard about whether or not she had heard him right._

_A self-righteous anger rolled over her once she decided that she had heard him right. "How dare you…even say that…when you … when you… do the things you do. Damn lecher!"_

_She vaguely remembered decking him before she passed out at his side._

XXXXXX

But the day she found herself drunk and alone, she remembered…

"_These children were all kidnapped by Orochimaru. I need you to treat them for trauma and see if you can reverse some of the effects of his experiments while we hunt for the bastard. But I must warn you, some of them are too far gone to be saved. The things he did… only a monster would have thought to do it."_

…

"_Tsunade, open up! We know you're in there. You owe us, and you're going to pay up now or lose your life… Tsunade!"_

…

"'_He watched her from a distance, loved her without regret, because he had that one night to keep his heart warm when the rest of the world remained cold.' _

_Can't you just imagine it? Whoever inspired him to write these must be the luckiest woman in the world!"_

Taking a swig from the bottle in front of her, she glared at the two women passing on the street behind her and scowled before laughing bitterly. "Yeah, she's real lucky alright. The last surviving Sannin, a legend among ninja… who wouldn't want to be her?"

The End

A/N: Yes, another random inspiration from my muse. I don't usually try for artistic writing, but I'd call this a passable attempt. What do you think?


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